Success Is a Choice
Success isn't a destination you reach; it's a choice you make about how you view yourself right now
Information at the bottom about my Inner Compass Group starting next Tues, Jan 27 - a few more spots are still left in the program.
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that that’s not the answer.” - Jim Carrey
The concept of “success” can feel like a significant weight and can bring up lots of personal questions. Am I a success? When will I feel like a success? How do I compare to that person and their success? If you’re anything like me, these questions can hum consistently, just in the background of our conscious awareness.
The concept of success, personal success, often lumps together two different things.
External, achievement-oriented Success: Fairly objective, goal-based, “Did I hit the target?”, and
Internal, person-oriented Success: Subjective, values-based, “Am I at peace?”
Setting achievement-oriented goals can be a useful tool to give us direction. But learning, growing, having fun, and making an impact - core life purposes we often associate with success - do not come from achieving a goal. So for now, let’s set aside the definition of success as achievement of a goal.
Instead, let’s take a closer look at what “success as a person” is really about. Success can look like an objective concept where we are constantly measuring ourselves against others or some future vision to judge if we’ve made it. But what if success is not objective? And not about measurement at all? What if success is our birthright? What if it’s an acknowledgement and clear seeing of our wholeness in any moment? Trying to measure whether or how successful we are (or anyone else is for that matter) is actually subjective, and I would argue, a fruitless task. However, choosing to see yourself as a success is a powerful acknowledgement and one we can choose to make at any moment.
Choosing to acknowledge ourselves as successful can sound somewhat abstract, so I have two suggestions to make it more concrete and help you make this choice more often and more easily.
Suggestion 1: Flip the script on self-evaluation
Success can be finding the little things you like about yourself. Start building the habit of looking for things that you like about yourself or actions you took. Most of us have built the opposite habit - we look for flaws, mistakes, and imperfections. So if you notice you’ve started to evaluate yourself or something you did (which often looks like inner judgement), use that as the trigger to come up with two things you like or did well. I can virtually guarantee you’ll feel better about yourself and you’ll likely improve at a faster rate than if you focus on what you don’t like or what went wrong.
Suggestion 2: Practice viewing yourself with Unconditional Positive Regard
Success is acknowledging that we are always doing our best. The psychologist, Carl Rogers, articulated the concept of Unconditional Positive Regard - a way of being with and empathizing with his clients. It points to the fact that everyone is always trying to do their best in their life. And we can’t do better until we know better and have the capacity to do better. As an example of this, try imagining someone in your life doing something that annoys you. Shouldn’t be too hard, right ;-) Now, imagine if you had the exact same ancestors, genes, and all the past experiences as that person. Can you see that you would be acting, talking, and thinking the same way they are? That is unconditional positive regard.
We often hear parents ask their kids: “Did you try your best?” It’s not about winning or losing, achieving or not - it’s about making our best effort…and it just so happens that we are always making our best effort. If we could do better in any given moment, we would.
Therefore, as a human being, you are always successful, you are always trying your best. Seeing and acknowledging this is a choice. See if you can view yourself with Unconditional Positive Regard. (For extra credit, it’s also a beautiful way to view others ♥️).
When we start to see that success is an internal choice, it becomes clear why 1st place ribbons and other external achievements don’t satisfy us for long. While someone may feel like a success temporarily after an achievement, the glow will quickly fade if they believe their worth is based on something external. The bar for feeling successful naturally moves just out of reach again.
However, when you recognize that your success as a person is already won, achieved, and recognized, it becomes easier and more fun to take on and achieve external goals. Learning, growing, and achieving become part of the way you play versus having anything to do with your self-worth or sense of your own success.
This week, when you catch yourself judging a ‘mistake,’ try naming two things you liked about your effort instead.
Here’s to your success! 🥂
Love,
Brian
If you’re ready to reclaim your relationship with success and follow that calm, wise voice of your inner knowing, there are still a few more spots left in my Inner Compass Group starting next Tues, January 27. See more details here or message me for more information.